Your First 90 Days, Day 22: Reclaiming Intimacy

❤️Day 22: Reclaiming Intimacy: More Than Just Sex

"Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone - and finding that that's alright with them." - Alain de Botton

For years, whenever Mark thought of "intimacy," he thought of sex. That's the definition porn had given him. It was a physical act, a performance. After he quit, he and his partner felt distant. He was avoiding physical touch because he was afraid of where it might lead, and he didn't know any other way to feel close. He was trying to build a house with only one type of tool.

On Day 22, we begin one of the most important and rewarding projects of recovery: reclaiming intimacy. We're going to tear down the narrow, distorted definition that porn provides and build a new, more beautiful, and more resilient understanding of what it means to be close to another person.

The Four Pillars of Intimacy

Porn reduces intimacy to a single dimension: the physical. But true, lasting intimacy is like a sturdy table with four legs. It needs all of them to be stable.

1. Emotional Intimacy: This is the freedom to share your feelings—your hopes, fears, and insecurities—without fear of judgment. It's feeling understood and accepted for who you are.
2. Mental or Intellectual Intimacy: This is connecting over ideas. It's sharing thoughts, debating respectfully, learning something new together, and respecting each other's minds.
3. Experiential Intimacy: This is the bond you build by sharing experiences. It's going on adventures, tackling projects, navigating challenges, and creating a shared history together.
4. Physical Intimacy: This is more than just sex. It's the comfort of a hug, holding hands, a reassuring touch on the arm, a shared look across a room. It's a spectrum of touch that communicates safety, love, and affection.

Porn ignores the first three pillars and hyper-focuses on a distorted version of the fourth. Recovery is your chance to start building all four.

Why This Matters Now

During the "flatline" and the early stages of recovery, your libido might be low or non-existent. If your only tool for connection was sexual, this can create a crisis. You might feel distant from your partner, or lonely if you are single.

Focusing on the other three pillars of intimacy is the perfect project for this phase. It allows you to build a deep, resilient bond with your partner that isn't dependent on sexual performance. If you are single, it gives you a framework for building meaningful connections with friends and family, which is the ultimate antidote to the loneliness that often drives porn use.

Action Step: One Non-Sexual Act of Connection

Your task today is to consciously practice one of the other three forms of intimacy.

• Emotional: Share something real with your partner or a trusted friend. Don't just talk about your day; talk about how you felt about your day. "I felt really stressed during that meeting," or "I was really proud of how I handled that project."
• Mental: Send an interesting article or podcast to a friend and say, "This made me think of you. What do you think?" Start a conversation about ideas.
• Experiential: Plan one small, shared experience for the upcoming week. It could be trying a new recipe together, going to a free museum, or planning a weekend hike.

Conclusion: Building a Deeper Foundation

By expanding your definition of intimacy, you are building a relationship (or future relationships) on a foundation of solid rock, not sand. You are learning that closeness comes in many forms, and that the most powerful forms of connection have nothing to do with what happens in the bedroom.

This is a long-term project, but it starts today, with one small act. Tomorrow, we'll talk about the surprising gift of boredom.